there was a time in my life when blogging was key to my weekly, if not daily, routine.  not so much because i have mind-blowing ideas to share, and definitely not because of the non-existent large crowd of readers anxiously awaiting for me to spill myself onto a page [or screen i suppose].  a little part may have been because, at first, it felt trendy and cool to have my very own blog.  and also because it’s much more appealing than any homework i have for sure.  but i think the real reason is that it’s sort of like accountability.  not that anyone ever has, or ever will, reprimand me for not blogging.  and i never did it because i felt guilty or obligated either.  it just felt right to take the things i was thinking and struggling with and flush them out, make them into actual comprehensible thoughts rather than the jumbled mess they were in my head, and then write them.  and i really desired to write them down.  even if i sometimes felt a little pressed for time or energy, i did it because i really wanted to.  it made the concepts more real, but it also made them feel like attainable goals and ideas that i wanted for my life rather than nice abstract thoughts that would eventually float away.

i think my relationship with Jesus has become like my blogging.  when i started blogging, i was clueless.  it’s been about 9 months since i started writing, and i would say that i’ve grown more in that time than i ever have in 9 months in my life.  so i started off not knowing what was  going on or having any sense of direction, but throwing things out there, because i wanted to fight with it and learn in and feel it and deal.  it wasn’t always easy, and sometimes it seemed more like a habit or even a chore when i needed to finish it in time to study for a test or do an assignment.  but i really wanted to do it.  that’s like my relationship with Jesus.  i’m not positive where to start, and no one is going to get angry or punish me if i don’t.  but i want to.  so i’m just flushing out ideas on how to pray, and what to read, etc…  some of it will be just plain bad.  just as plenty of my blogs have been.  but some of it will be good.  and some of it i’ll come back and revisit and do over and over again, because it’s really good.  and i’ll grow up.  i’ll take the ideas of Jesus that i know and love, and struggle with them, and learn more about Him, and start to feel Him and really know Him.  and some days it will be hard.  it will seem like its scheduled and habitual.  but the desire is there, now more than ever, to know my Savior in a deeply emotional and personal way.

it suddenly make sense to me why so many people plan Jesus into their days.  why they have time devoted to praying in the morning, or they make sure they read their bibles for half an hour every day.  it used to seem so legalistic to me.  like they were only doing it to try to prove a point.  but, even though it may be tough, they still do it, not at all to validate their standings as Christians, but because at the end of the day, it’s a matter of the heart.  they “do” a lot, but only because it brings them to their desire.

so  this semester i’m going to do it for my desire.  i desire to think out loud and actually let myself be affected by the things  i hear and learn.  so i’m going to blog.  and i desire to know Jesus.  so i’m going to commit myself to opening up my whole life to Him, and to learning more about Him in the process.  i’m going to do for my desire.