Jesus was a renegade
I was struck by something today. and as I’ve let it sit and settle now it makes me chuckle a little at the idea. growing up I had several thoughts about Christians, but one that was pretty obvious to me was that the Christian kids were the good kids. they got good grades, they followed the rules, they were always polite/pc. in my mind they also had perfectly straight hair or beautiful banana curls and their parents always brought good treats on snack day and they wore all of the right name brands. but that’s a different topic entirely…
I have this idea that still sticks with me of what a “good Christian kid” is, and on top of that that the “good Christian kids” were the norm. and to be honest, lately I’ve been feeling a lot like that’s my stereotype and I don’t like it. and it’s not beccause of my grades, or because I’m pc, or because I wear name brands like Holister and Urban Outfitters. because they aren’t, generally I’m not, and I don’t. the reason I feel like that I’ve found is because I do actual Christian things, and people, even my friends, tend to give me a little bit of a hard time about. like praying for people. or going to church. or attending a Vineyard small group to learn more about Jesus. or saying that I need to go read my bible. or memorizing verses. (okay, maybe not the last 2… but you get the idea)
but then it hit me today when I was talking to a friend at Mars, and she used the phrase, “like normal college students.” my life isn’t exactally the college norm. praying, going to small groups, wanting to wake up to go to church… not nearly as popular as hitting up FAC (friday after class) at Peggys is it? so these thoughts of being “the good Christian kid” as being bad, as being boring, or being average are actually totally invalid. if anything, they are a little scandalous among college kids. because really, Jesus was a renegade. and so am I.
Ethiopia – after (sort of…)
it’s been over three months since I left for Ethiopia, and consequently over three months since I’ve blogged. I’m not sure what I was thinking writing a “before” blog and thinking that an “after” would come as naturally. it’s not that my experience wasn’t incredible, it was. and i can tell you that the problem isn’t that my perceptions haven’t adjusted, because I’m pretty sure almost every one of the things I wrote about in the before was wrong or has changed in my mind. I do feel like no matter what words I say, I can’t do it justice. I know that no matter how much I write about, I will inevitably be able to say everything meaningful and important to me. I also have this vague idea floating around that maybe it’s still so real that blogging isn’t the natural response. I think about Ethiopia, and our roommates, and the kids I worked with every day. most of the time with a smile and feeling thankful for their presence in my life this summer. sometimes though, i find myself in tears, about the things and people I saw that broke my heart over and over again. no matter how I’m thinking about it, I miss it terribly and wish I could go back. a part of me will forever be in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia.
so for now, this is the best I’ve got. as time goes on, I will eventually write about Ethiopia. a story here or there, mixed in with my normal everyday ramblings. which makes sense, because amongst the chaotic life that has become my norm, pieces of Ethiopia will always now be intertwined.
Ethiopia – before
can it already be here?? almost 5 months ago I found out that I would be traveling to Ethiopia this summer for a 6 week mission trip, and the wait seemed too long to bear at many points along the way. but now that it is here, I’m not sure I know where all that time went! don’t get me wrong, I’m beyond ready to go (or as ready as you can be for things like life-changing mission trips). but I’m just not sure how all of a sudden it’s tomorrow. so here is my before to what I hope to be a before-and-after look at Ethiopia. just some random facts and thoughts I already know/have on Ethiopia. of course, I’ll finish with the after when I come back home.
- it’s in the mountains so I assume that it will be pretty
- they have several languages, but the national language is Amharic which I imagine will sound like a cross between Arabic and Spanish
- it’s the second most populated country in Africa
- I’ve heard that the people there are very kind. I hope this means that we will be accepted by a majority of the people
- compared to what I have heard about other countries, it seems as though Ethiopians are not very stuck in tradition. while some things may be looked upon a certain way, they don’t seem to be overly judgmental about things that we may not know or understand
- it’s their rainy season. which means rain everyday. I packed a raincoat with a hood and an umbrella just in case.
- within the capitol, Addis Ababa, where we will be staying, I think that the poverty will be masked by the city but I have a feeling that I will be overwhelmed when we are first taken outside those boundries
- there is a 9 hour difference between Ethiopia and US central time
- for most of my life I have been able to blend in with the majority of people, so I feel that no matter how kind they are, the Ethiopians may make us realize how much the minority we suddenly are compared to in the US
absent god or extreme love?
I don’t read the old testament of the Bible. I struggle to read much of the Bible at all actually, but the history of it all, the long lists of genealogies, the names of people and places that I can’t even pronounce, it’s all a bit much for a girl who’s still sifting through the gospels and parables. but today as I was reading another book, it referenced the second chapter of the book Hosea. they were trying to make a point about how God has to thwart a women’s effort to safeguard her heart so that she will turn to Him and Him alone when she needs to be rescued. I didn’t even know Hosea was a book of the Bible, let alone what chapter two was about or how it could possibly relate to how God is trying to protect me from myself. then I read this.
Hosea 2:6-7 therefore, I will block her path with thornbushes; I will wall her in so she cannot find her way. she will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them.
the chapter goes on and it says that He will lead her to the desert and remove all of her sins from her, and then give her love and compassion and righteousness. once she has tried her ways, and is broken, He will take what is left of her and then He will give her these things. only after this process, of trying her own way and forcing Him to block her path and hide what she seeks, and her falling to her knees desperate and burned, can she give all of her heart.
my only reaction to this so far is, oh. wow. in the most painful way possible I’m utterly speechless. right now I’m broken in ways I didn’t even know were possible and very embarrassed and very reluctant to opening up about it via blog. but still I had to share. I’m still chewing, still hurting, still avoiding. I’m no where near talking to God about it, or completely believing it, or applying it to my life yet. surviving is all for now, but I hope that very soon those things will come because this stuff is good to say the least.
captivating
I’m reading the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. it’s basically about women and how they were truly created to be. at first I was skeptical of it’s mushy concepts and over the top femininity because really, even though I’m considered “girly” by most people, I’m not at all a feminist and I definitely need my guy time away from normal girl drama. but I underestimated the book. so much that I wanted to share a little bit.
they write, “Think for a moment about the characters of women you dislike-even despise-in movies… Fallen Eve controls her relationships. She refuses to be vulnerable. And if she cannot secure her relationships, then she kills her heart’s longing for intimacy so that she will be safe and in control… then on the other side you find women who are desolate, needy, far too vulnerable… Desolate women are ruled by the aching abyss within them… They are consumed by a hunger for relationship.”
this is so true. most negative characteristics that people find in women fall into these categories. sometimes it’s a weird mix of controlling and emotional, but it all fits. “she’s too …….” fill in the blank. controlling, needy, quiet, emotional, bitchy, closed off, arrogant, open, fake, slutty, stuck-up, mean, talkative. they all fit into either wanting to control a relationship in order to not be vulnerable, or to open up too much in a recklessly daring attempt to get someone to notice them. but why??
the argument of this book is because every women wants to be captivating. while little boys are playing indians and cowboys or acting like superheros to save the world with their strength and boldness, girls are playing dress up. with or without words they are asking, “am I lovely?” or “does my mere presence grab your attention for reasons you can’t explain?” when girls grow up this shows up in the ways listed above. but it goes deeper than this. where does this want, or maybe even need come from?? God created light, and the water, and everything in the world, and then added Adam. but Adam needed something else. God had created everything, slowly getting better and better. then, the cherry on top of it all, the end of creation, was Eve. It is not good for the man to be alone – Genesis 2:18 Adam and God had an untouched unbroken relationship, something we can only imagine and long for. but yet, he needed to not be alone. he needed Eve. she was created to be relational. again, she was created to be in relationship with Adam. down to our core, women know this. we want people, men in particular to notice us. to be amazed by just us walking into the room. beauty has been so distorted, but women are meant to be beautiful for this reason. in order to stop men in their tracks. to get their attention, so that they take a break from being tough strong working men, and come and talk to us. to have a relationship with us. to love us and take care of us.
for so long, this “need for a man” has been twisted and women, myself included, have been forced to believe that this desire we have to have a man by our sides is wrong, and that we must not be strong enough or confident enough to be on our own if we want this. that we need to abandon this idea and move on, and live for ourselves and be proud and single and perfect. that’s not to say that women who are single don’t have a place in this world, because the book goes on about this, and the Bible does too. but this idea that we are wrong about our hearts deep longing to be in a loving romantic relationship. that we should be looked on with pity for not having it all together because we want to be loved and taken care of. that idea is just simply wrong. we were created to be relational, to be loved, to be Adam’s companion. instead of being to desperate, or being too controlling, we should be proud of what we were created to be and be confident that someday we will have our “Adam.” that this desire is not something to exploit in being overly open or hide in being too dominating but that should be a regular part of our lives and who we are. that God not only wants us to feel pretty and loved, but that he made us that way and needs us in this world to be captivating.
runaway shoes
I’ve had a weird couple of days. just a lot of emotion, and then a lot of people wanting me to describe the emotions that I’m not even sure I understand. after work tonight I was supposed to head over to an old friends house. but the weather had really picked up and there were tornado sirens, flooded streets, and rain so heavy I couldn’t make out the car 10 feet in front of my own. work had shut down, and I was on the opposite side of the river with no where to go but on the interstate and over the bridge. I wasn’t worried about driving, but I had a weird sense of concern for having all of the people I love having to find out that something had happened to me. my mom was on speaker phone trying to “talk me through” driving, although I’m pretty sure it was more for her sanity than anything else. the whole time I just kept looking out my rear view mirror thinking “if I see a tornado, should I just hang up on my mom so she doesn’t have to listen??”
I made it home but when I stepped out of my car, my feet plunged into cold water at least 10 inches deep. I jumped out of the car and took off, but one of my flip-flops was taken away by the mini-current that the street had created and then the other went too. so I ran. water splashing all over the place, my hair sticking to my neck and face, and my clothes absolutely drenched. one of the neighbors yelled out, “now that’s something I’ve never seen before!” as I chased down my shoes. by the time I had caught up with them I was half way down the block, completely soaked from head to toe, and laughing hysterically. and I didn’t want to move. my mom and sisters were on the front porch waving me inside and laughing at the whole scene so I started to make my way back. but for a moment, as I casually strolled through the torrential downpour, I let out one of those really loud heavy sighs, even though the sound was muffled by the noise of the rain. I felt small. not that, I have no place in this world, kind of small. instead it was one of those, wow there’s something so much bigger than all of this. than all of the drama and emotion, the friends and bad decisions, the downpour and panic, the flooding and the runaway shoes. it was a sweet moment where I felt tiny in the chaos and was thankful for my smallness. thankful that this isn’t it.
Mary Poppins
the wind in good ol Moline just won’t stop. there have been cloudless skies, and muggy overcasts, huge thunderstorms, and just plain old good weather days. but the wind is constant. tress are losing limbs, and the power has even gone out in places. an old British man said to me as we walked into the library yesterday, “I’ve lived quiet a many places, but never would I have imagined Moline to be the windiest!”
most people aren’t overly thrilled with our newest weather development. and during any other given summer of mine, I would have fit right in. but not this year. this year, I’m reminded of Mary Poppins. I know, it sounds crazy, but go with me. do you remember the very begining when Bert is singing and dancing for all the townspeople? and suddenly he stops, mid-song, and looks ups like he’s just remembered something. then his song changes to this.
“winds from the east. mist comin’ in. like somethin’ is brewin’. about to begin. can’t put me finger on what lies in store. but I feel what’s to ‘appen, all ‘appened before.”
I’ve alway loved this part of the movie. maybe its the anticipation it builds, or the smirk on his face. knowing that Mary Poppins is about to come and sing away all of the family’s troubles. but this time around, it resonates a little differently, but maybe still applies. maybe the wind is a sign of somethin’ a brewin’. and I might not know what lies ahead, but maybe, in the spirit of Mary Poppins, I can have that same smirk on my face with the same anticipation for the weeks and months ahead.
convictions trump feelings
maturity is when you do the right thing with or without the accompanying feelings or thoughts… spiritual maturity is when your convictions and beliefs trump your thoughts and feelings. – Rob Bell
wow. just read that again. chew on it. do you know exactly what he’s talking about here? do you relate? because I can whole-heartedly say I do. not that this quote describes me, but that I see it. when you can’t feel God, when your thoughts tell you, hold on a second there buddy… do you really want the worldly consequences that come along with that?? then what. do I fall down and say thats it, I give up. or do I push forward anyway because of the truths that I know and the promises I’ve been given??
and then, its even bigger than that. there’s this view I think the world has of “the really good Christians” who don’t have issues with trusting God, or who have the perfect relationship with Him and never even have to bother questioning things because they are so in tune with God. no. thats not real. but heres the sweet thing. this gives us a very vivid picture of what is real if you look deep enough. what is real is falling down in hard times where you can’t find Jesus, and saying God, where the heck are you??? but then following Him anyway. and being broken Christians who doubt and question and are unsure, but still dedicate our lives to Him. still giving it all to Him, while being real people, with real emotions, and not trying to pretend to be perfect. maybe thats what “the really good Christians” should look like. the ones who lose their way, who’s faith isn’t always strong and steady, who have to dig deeper into doubts and questions, but still give their entire lives to Jesus knowing, even when they don’t feel it, that God is good, and His promises are real.
